Hurt
by Alia el Bolock
Summary: What if Kerry hadn't interrupted the conversation that day in Jack's back yard  Threads, Season 8 ? Kerry's disappearance wreaks havoc in Jack and Sam's lives. And the butterfly effect takes place, causing them a lot of misery.


**Warnings:** Highly angsty, unabashed JackSam  
><strong>Creator's Notes:<strong> Written for the "Alternate Realities" Challenge at stargateland…It wasn't as much inspired by Christina Aguilera's "Hurt", rather that I realized how fitting the song was after finishing the whole thing… You'll find the matching parts in the end of the fic… Please let me know what you think… your feedback is the reason I do this… =D  
><strong>Disclaimer: <strong>Unfortunately I own nothing but the story itself… :(

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><p>Two pairs of feet walking along the pavement, in the opposite direction. Both obliviously heading towards each other. Both blind to the consequences. For both would have never guessed who the other pair belonged to. Until they were face to face… with their own destiny… their past!<p>

"S…" she blinked her eyes twice to make sure she was really seeing what she thought she was seeing. "Sir?" a number of different feelings were rising up in her chest at the realization: Relief, confusion, anger, delight, frustration, shock, joy, wonder, pain… everything… and all at once!  
>"C.. Carter." he started to look her in the eyes, but as soon as their eyes locked, he instantly looked away to break the contact. He couldn't face her.<br>"You're.. you… you're…" she somehow couldn't form a single coherent thought. She didn't know what to say first. She didn't know how to react. And most importantly she wasn't entirely sure she was completely sane anymore.  
>He looked back up at her, trying to read her reaction but failing miserably.<br>"Yes, I'm… I…"  
>She reached out her hand and carefully poked his cheek to make sure there really was something there "You're.. real…"<br>He held her hand in his, against his better judgement, nudged it tightly before letting it go "I am." he replied, almost in shame.  
>"You're alive?" she asked unbelievingly.<br>"Yes, I am." he felt his guilt rise within him.  
>"But… but… why… when…" she panted.<br>"I… I came back three months after…." he started to explain, knowing that this agonizing part was inevitable.  
>She opened her mouth to say something but no sound escaped her lips. She was so…shocked….so in rage that she couldn't find the words to say…. And he could clearly see the anger rising within her.<br>"You had left the… you were already… I decided not to….."  
>"You what? You decided to… you decided to leave me believing you were dead for the past one and a half years. You decided you'd just come back to earth and not bother telling me!" she burst out, indifferent to the eyes starting to cast on them.<br>"I… you were…"  
>"Who else knows?"<br>Her question was met with silence so she repeated again, this time yelling almost threateningly "Who else knows?"  
>"Everyone… I went back to the SGC and then retired... Some of them still visit sometimes."<br>"So Daniel and Teal'c know?" she inquired.  
>He just looked at his feet.<br>"They know! Oh my god! I can't believe this! You really…. I mean am I that insignificant to you… to all of you… that no one found it the least bit necessary to inform me that my… my…. former CO didn't die 2 years ago and that he's in fact back on earth alive and kicking! Go to hell!" she raged  
>"C… Sam…"<br>"Go to hell! All of you!" her face was burning red while turning around to leave.  
>By then the attention of the whole street had already been turned to them.<br>As soon as her back was turned to him, she felt the hot moisture of the tears burning through her cheeks.  
>He stopped her by the shoulder and turned her to be facing him and for the first time since they started this conversation he looked her in the eyes. Really looked at her. And the pain inside her eyes made his stomach twist. He was so disgusted by himself.<br>"S.. Sam please! Let me explain!" he pleaded  
>"Explain? What's there to explain? How I… how I… Oh god! I just can't believe it! I'm so angry… I'm so angry I could kill someone…. all the nights I… wished for something like this to happen… and now… like this…. Screw you Jack O'Neill! Screw you!"<br>"Carter!" he tried once again.  
>"What! What do you want? You turned me down. You….. I've done my fair share of waiting for you! I'm done!" she spit.<br>"You're done? You're the one who went ahead and got married as soon as I turned around. I mean what was I supposed to do? I survived on the sole hope of coming back and making it all right with you and return only to find you've gotten married but a few weeks after you presumed me dead! Was I supposed to come down to the place you share with that precious cop of yours and what? Huh? What? What did you expect me to do? You're the one who abandoned me here Carter, not me! You're the one who walked away!" he accused.  
>She had nothing to say. She could only feel the hurt, angry tears run down her face with no brakes and she couldn't find anything to say because her brain wasn't functioning any more.<br>"You… you didn't come because I married Pete?" she asked in confusion.  
>"Yes! I come home only to find you married. You've moved on. You had every right to, I know. But as far as I was concerned there was no reason for me… no use in telling you I was back!"<br>"Figured you'd… what? Save me the trouble?"  
>He remained silent.<br>"No I'm asking, here. Is that what you thought? You thought you'd leave me believing you've died to save me the guilt and wondering?"  
>He nodded.<br>"Oh you…." she cursed under her breath… " You weren't doing me any favors! You did it because you were afraid of confronting me! Because you are a coward! Just like you were that day in your backyard! Just like you always do! You didn't do this to spare me the drama, you did it to save yourself. To avoid having to face me, to deal. To avoid having to fight!"  
>"Carter… I…"<br>"You what? SIR?" the way she made the word 'sir' sound made him flinch inside. She was full of bitterness. Of hurt.  
>"I…"<br>"What!" she screamed "What? Say it. For once in your life, say what you really wanna say. For once don't hide behind false masks and sickening sarcasm! For once just stand up for what you feel! Tell me what you want!"  
>"I'm… sorry. I truly am. Maybe you're right! I was afraid… I AM afraid… What was I supposed to do. You chose him. I couldn't have just waltzed in and asked you to leave your husband to try your luck with me. I couldn't. You… I couldn't have dealt with you rejecting me for him. I wouldn't have…"<br>"You couldn't have dealt with me letting you down, the way you did to me! You can just let me down, humiliate me and treat me like… well like dirt and then go ahead and die… And then expect me to break off my engagement with the guy who was there for me, in the frail hope that one day you might come back and what? See the light?"  
>"Well my death wasn't exactly hard on you was it? You didn't even care enough about me, to mourn me for some time before going ahead and marrying the guy, you were telling me you'd leave if I asked you to. You let me go the second I was gone Carter! And we don't leave our people behind. Not like that!"<br>"You know that's not true. You know we didn't leave you behind. We saw you getting burying in front of our very eyes… I watched you… oh god… I watched you die… I was hospitalized for two months after you left. Two months from one psychiatric facility to the other… and you know why? Not only because you died.. but because I loved you and you left me with nothing but hurt in my heart… nothing but rejection and loneliness… You don't get the right to come here and tell me your death didn't hit me really hard because you weren't there. And my friends… the ones I thought cared about me… I shut them out… I refused to see them cause they reminded me of you and they had no idea what was going on with me… the only one I let in after some time was Pete… for he had no idea… he didn't know what I've been going through so he was the right choice. He was there! Out loud!" she scolded him. "And now you expect me, after all you've made me go through these past years, to be ok with the fact that you have been back for one and a half years and what sympathize that there was nothing else for you to do!"  
>"Well…"<br>"Oh for crying out loud Jack! Be more articulate…. I… forget it…. This was a mistake… Just a stupid coincidence bringing back two old acquaintances and nothing more….I don't even know what the hell I'm so angry about…. we never really were anything more than coworkers anyway… so it was nice meeting you again. Sir! Goodbye!" and with that she stormed away. She crossed the street to the other side leaving him all alone on the pavement, still trying to work up the nerve to say what he'd wanted to say all along.

….

After a few agonizing second and just before she was out of hearing range he called out after her, while running in her direction, eliciting the already huge audience to grow significantly. "Sam! Wait! Sam! Please!"  
>He reached her and stood in front of her to block her way. "Let me explain. Please!"<br>"That's what you said before! Please J.. Jack. I can't take anymore."  
>"Please. Trust me!" and he had to do it. He had to go along and use these magical words. The words that combined with the tone of his voice and the look in his eyes, she knew she could never ever resist, no matter what or when.<br>"I'm listening." she said more calmly but still not letting her guard down.  
>He looked around him at the already gathered crowd and raised his eyebrows "Here?"<br>"Yes. Here." she tempted him. They were doing it her way this time. And if he really wanted to apologize, to make her believe him, he'd better prove to her that he's willing to say whatever he's got to say, no barriers, no privacy. He owed her that much.  
>"Carter.. Sam… I will say this even though I know I'm not supposed to, because if it was forbidden by the rules then, it's forbidden by every ethic, religion and law out there, now, because you are… you're married and I shouldn't be telling you any of this… that's why I wouldn't come to see you… but I can't see you like this… I can't have you… hate me… So I'll tell you! When you came to my house.. before your father… Kerry was inside my house. I couldn't tell you what you wanted to hear no matter how much I wanted to, before I ended it with her. So I had to let you down. I had to act like my usual jerk of a self and I know that's no excuse. After you left I broke up with her and came to the base to make it up to you only to find your father had died and you shutting me out.. because you were hurt by how I treated you and by… Jacob's death… I decided to wait for a better time, though I knew I had already lost all the chances you'd given me. But then... you know what happened… we got called to this mission, we were all tense, given the circumstances and then… I died… well you know… and then I was…" he looked at her signaling that what he was about to say was classified and that she'd better guess what he wanted to say "I got healed in the last minute… and remained captive by the enemy… and what was torturing me the most… through all this time was that I might never get the chance to get you to know how I really felt. So I escaped after lots of trials and errors and hasted back only to find out you'd already married Pete and left the job for a…. university position… I decided that it's best not to tell you, to let you move on the way you have without giving you a cause to hang on to the past. I decided to leave you in the dark."<br>"I'm… I'm divorced… I've been divorced for one and a half years now." she didn't know why she was telling him this… but she felt she had to. Because wether she was ready to admit it or not… it wasn't entirely his fault… though he held most of the blame.  
>"But…." he didn't know what to think. He was relieved. He was angry… he was so angry at himself… the guilt rose to a whole new level, that he could no longer breathe.<br>"I couldn't Jack. I just couldn't… He wasn't…. it was just wrong…"  
>"You… what…" he started to breathe heavily, unable to contain himself "Oh… Sam.." his chest rose and fell heavily with each word "I'm… oh my god… I'm so… sorry" he moved his hands to hold her by her shoulders but felt her reluctance so he kept them hanging mid air.<br>"I… know… Despite everything… I know…"  
>"Carter… if there's anything… is there any chance.. I could make it up to you…"<br>She sank her gaze to the ground. She wasn't sure what she wanted to say. She wasn't sure if she'd be able to go through all this again.  
>"Sam! I'd do anything. Whatever it takes! These past months… I haven't been living… I was just… hanging on…"<br>"Me too." she admitted despite herself.  
>"I'm sorry!" he mustered up as sincerely as anyone ever could. "I'm… I was an ass…" he admitted. He said it in his self reprimanding tone that always managed to lighten up the mood.<br>"Yes, you were! On many occasions." she agreed, letting herself calm down even more. He almost got to her. That was just the way he was.  
>"Well… that's who I am… an ass…" he half-joked before returning his expression to a serious, sincere one "... who's in love with you!"<br>She raised her eyebrows in awe. She'd been waiting her entire life to hear these words. She wanted to throw herself in his arms and forgot any of the past two years had ever happened. But she couldn't. Not so fast anyway.  
>He felt her slightly open up to him more and more "I'm an ass who let you down and hurt you more than I can ever imagine. I'm an ass who's willing to spend the rest of my life making it up to you if you'll let me. I'm an ass who's been living in hell ever since he found out you were with another guy."<br>She opened her mouth to throw an apparently angry comment but he held his finger in front of her mouth to stop her. He knew what she had to say.  
>"I also know that I'm the one who drove you away, in the direction of this other guy, on many… many… many occasions. Starting with the ring where I just stood by and didn't take the rope you were giving me. And ending with the day you poured out your heart to me in my home and I just harshly shut you down. I know! And If I could I'd take it all back. But I can't. And I can't turn back time and tell you that I came back the moment I did. I honestly thought I was doing the right thing. You know first hand, I can be a real idiot sometimes. But I'm asking you to forgive me. And you know how often in life I've done that." he pleaded. Jack O'Neill stood in the middle of the street, admitting his wrongs, begging for forgiveness with a whole crowd baring witness. And he didn't care. One and a half years of despair, did this to him. One and a half years of agony and jealousy, turned him into the man he was today. Maybe it was a good thing. Maybe he needed this humility. This… openness.<br>"You're… you've changed…" she marks out.  
>"More than you know! And that's…. that's because of having to deal with losing you everyday for the past…." he paused for a second like he was thinking hard about something "…534 days." he knew the fact that he counted the days in his mind would earn him points, for she knew better than anyone, how he was with numbers.<br>She found herself smile. "I've changed to." she admitted.  
>He raised his eyebrows waiting for her elaboration.<br>"I've done my fair share of losing, too." she pointed out, yet not in a reprimanding tone.  
>"So? Will you ever find it in your heart to… forgive me?" he reached out one hand to her, hoping that she'd take it.<br>The whole street was waiting in anticipation. Wanting to see first hand the end to this love scene. And as it always happens, they were desperately hoping for a happy ending.  
>She looked at his reached out hand in doubt. She hesitantly watched it while thinking about what she should do, not what she wanted to do. She tried to let her mind decide, though her heart was making this task more than impossible.<br>The few second that passed with Jack holding his hand out for her in anticipation, felt like a lifetime. He was holding his breath and trying to keep his legs from failing underneath him. He was trying hard not to think about what he'd do if she let him down. He was trying hard to believe that everything will turn out fine… like it always used to, a few years ago.  
>After these agonizing moments, he felt the color return to his cheeks and his circulation resume at the meeting of her hand with his.<br>"I do! I forgive you… because inspite of myself… I… I'm in love with you, too. And that's what made it so hard."  
>"Oh Carter… I'll never… ever hurt you again…. I promise…." he wrapped her inside of his arms. He held on to her for dear life.<br>He'd never let her go again, not after getting to know how it feels to lose her. "I've learned my lesson the hard way."  
>"Me too…" she admitted.<br>"I'm sorry… I'm sorry it had to be this hard… guess we're destined for the hard way out…"  
>And for the first time in a very long time… right there in his arms… she found herself chuckle…. her heartfelt chuckle… the one only he could elicit from her…. she felt alive again…. she was no longer hanging on….<br>She'd forgotten all her anger…. all her hurt… all the pain…. it was behind… in the past… and they've wasted too much time, already, to dwell on the past a minute longer….  
>"I love you Jack O'Neill…. even though you don't fully deserve it…"<br>"I love you more Samantha…." and at the hearing of her first name leaving his lips, every part of her melted… she completely surrendered herself to his embrace.  
>And he allow himself to kiss her on the lips. Tenderly and fast at first just to test the water. When he found no objection from her side but a smile and closed eyes instead, he dove in for an exhilarating kiss… A kiss that made everything alright.<br>A kiss that mended all wounds.  
>Restored all that had been broken.<br>Restored the shattered pieces.  
>A kiss that made them whole again.<p>

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><p><em>Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face<em>  
><em>You tried to tell me how you felt, but I walked away<em>  
><em>If only I knew what I know today, ooh, ooh<em>

_I would hold you in my arms, I would take the pain away_  
><em>Thank you for all you've done, ask you to forgive my mistakes<em>  
><em>There's nothing I wouldn't do to win you back again<em>  
><em>Sometimes I wanted to call you but I know you woudn't be there<em>

_Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit_  
><em>Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss<em>  
><em>And it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this, ooh<em>

_Would you tell me I was wrong? Would you help me understand?_

_If I had just one more day_  
><em>I would tell you how much that I've missed you<em>  
><em>Since you've been away<em>

_Oh, it's dangerous_  
><em>It's so out of line<em>  
><em>To try and turn back time<em>

_I'm sorry for blaming you_  
><em>For everything I just couldn't do<em>  
><em>And I've hurt myself<em>  
><em>By hurting you<em>

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><p>So what do you think? Please, Please, Please let me know =D<p> 


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